What Grief Taught Me About Alchemy

I didn’t know I was being initiated.

At first, it just felt like loss. Like free fall. Like the world I knew collapsing under my feet.

Grief came in waves, yes—but also in riddles. In feathers. In fire. In dreams I couldn’t explain and songs that felt like messages from another world. Although the journey took four years. It felt like one moment I was holding my mother’s hand, the next I was standing on a hillside in Glastonbury, placing her memory into the earth, returning her spirit back to the four directions.

And something happened in between.

Something I couldn’t name, but could only feel.

Grief became the portal.

It stripped me bare, dismantled the scaffolding I’d built around my identity, and burned through everything I thought I had to be. I tried to hold it together—but it was in the moments I let go that the true alchemy began.

Grief isn’t just an ending.

It’s a furnace.

It burns away illusion. It brings us to our knees, not to punish us—but to return us. To the raw pulse of what’s real. To the soul. To the wild knowing that life and death are not opposites, but lovers—dancing at the edge of every breath.

It was in that fire I remembered who I was.

Not the polished version. The true one. The ancient one. The one that knew how to walk between worlds, even when my voice trembled and my heart broke wide open.

I didn’t lose my mother. I walked with her. Across the rainbow bridge. And somewhere along the way, I walked myself home too.

This is the alchemy of grief. The medicine it carries. The fierce, beautiful way it makes space for new life. If you’re walking through the fire—trust it. There are whispers in the ashes. And they just might be calling you home.

The Path of Transformation: Surrendering to the Unknown

The alchemy of grief is not linear. It’s not a straight path of healing. It’s a spiral. A dance of surrender, trust, and the courage to stay open to what comes next—even when the next step is shrouded in mystery.

During this time, I didn’t know where I was heading. The next chapter wasn’t clear. It was only when I stopped fighting against the flow and allowed myself to feel deeply, to trust the silence between the storms, that things began to shift. The grief transformed. It stopped being something I needed to fix and became something I could be with.

I learned that transformation doesn’t always look like strength or success. It often looks like softness. It looks like listening to your soul’s whispers and leaning into them, even when they don’t make sense. It’s about making room for something new—something untamed and wild—that can’t be understood through the logic of the mind but can only be felt with the heart.

The Magic of Letting Go: Finding Freedom in the Flow

I want to tell you this: letting go is not about giving up. It’s about making space for the unknown to unfold in its own time.

In this surrender, I found freedom. Not freedom from grief, but freedom through it. Grief taught me that in our deepest moments of loss, we are invited into a new kind of life—a life where we can no longer control every aspect but instead, we become a part of the flow, whether we like it or not. The quicker we surrender, the quicker we become the river, instead of the shore trying to control its tides.

This is not the life I planned. But it’s the one that feels true. And isn’t that the essence of alchemy? Turning our deepest wounds into gold?

Moving with the Mystery: What Lies Ahead?

As I continue to walk this path, I realise there is still so much I don’t know. But I’ve stopped needing to know. Instead, I’ve learned to trust that whatever comes, it will arrive as exactly what I need.

I’m no longer searching for an end to my grief, or for a clear-cut direction. The beauty lies in the unfolding, in the way the path shifts and curves as I move through it. This is the magic I’ve come to know: the spaces in between the known, the quiet moments that allow us to reconnect with what’s sacred.

For me, this journey is now a dance. A deep and raw dance that weaves together loss, love, and the infinite possibility of what’s to come.

Closing Thoughts: Healing Through the Fire

If you’re reading this and you’re in the midst of your own transformation, know that you’re not alone. Grief is never a solo journey, even when it truly feels like it. Every step, every tear, every surrender is an invitation to remember who you truly are.

There is no destination. There is only the unfolding. And it’s worth every twist, every turn, every wild unknown that comes along the way.

Conclusion: Embrace the Mystery, Dance with the Unknown

As I continue to walk this path of transformation, I’ve come to understand that the beauty of life lies not in the destination but in the journey itself—embracing what is, even when we can't see what's next. And yes it can be scary.

Grief, change, and alchemy—they’re all part of the sacred dance that life asks us to participate in. And through that dance, I’ve discovered that healing is not about fixing, but about feeling deeply, surrendering, and trusting in the medicine of the mystery.

If you’re here, reading this, perhaps you’re already dancing your own dance of transformation. Know that you’re supported, that the music is playing, and you’re not alone in this journey.

Remember, it’s not about being perfect. It’s about being real, raw, and present with whatever life brings.

Music and Dance Saved Me

I invite you to listen to the music that has been woven from this journey—the beats, the poetry, and the stories that guided me through the darkness and into the light. You can find it here.

Let it speak to you, awaken something deep within you, and be part of your own unfolding. These dances saved my life, of that I have no doubt. In times when there was nothing but hospital visits, work and ovewhelm, just an hour out of that world and a safe space to move through those wild emotions was enough to keep me going and sane during the most difficult times. And now, I pass this onto others, freely as a gift.

Journal Prompts: Reflect, Release, and Reclaim

To also help you process and deepen your own journey, here are a few journal prompts. Use them as a way to connect with your own heart and soul, to explore where you are on your path, and to give voice to your own unfolding:

Shadow Work Journal Prompts: Grief and Transformation

1. What part of me has been broken open by grief?
   Reflect on the aspects of yourself that grief has exposed. What emotions or parts of your psyche have been brought to the surface that you were previously unaware of or unwilling to face? How can you gently embrace these parts of yourself?

2. What am I hiding from in my grief?
   Grief often brings up feelings we try to avoid. What have you been avoiding facing—whether it’s an emotion, memory, or truth? Write about why you might be hiding from it, and explore what it might feel like to bring it into the light.

3. How has grief reshaped my sense of self?
   Consider how the experience of loss has altered how you view yourself. Has grief shifted your identity in any way? In what ways have you grown, and where might you be feeling lost or disconnected? How can you begin to integrate these changes into who you are becoming?

4. What is the shadow side of my grief?
   Grief can cast shadows on parts of ourselves we are reluctant to face, such as anger, guilt, or resentment. What is the hidden side of your grief that you haven’t fully acknowledged yet? What has it taught you about yourself, and how can you begin to heal these hidden wounds?

5. What unspoken truths are tied to my grief?
   There are often truths we avoid confronting in our grief—whether they are about ourselves, our relationships, or our losses. What truths have remained unspoken? How would it feel to voice them, and what might shift if you allowed yourself to speak them now?

6. What parts of myself have I lost in grief?
   Sometimes grief makes us feel like we’ve lost not only a loved one but also pieces of ourselves. What aspects of yourself do you feel have disappeared during your grieving process? How can you gently reclaim these parts or honor them as they evolve in the wake of loss?

7. Where do I feel stuck in my grief?
   Grief can create an energetic block or a feeling of being stuck in the past. Where do you feel stagnant in your grief process? Write about the areas where you feel like you’ve hit a wall, and explore what might help you release this stagnation.

8. What would it take to forgive myself for feeling this way?
   Grief can bring up feelings of guilt, shame, or self-blame. Have you been hard on yourself for how you’ve grieved or the emotions you’ve felt? Write about what it would take to forgive yourself for these feelings and grant yourself compassion during your healing journey.

9. How has grief revealed my greatest fears?
   Grief often illuminates the fears we’ve carried silently. What are your biggest fears that have surfaced since your loss? How might these fears be holding you back from fully embracing your life and moving forward?

10. What message does my grief have for me right now?
    Instead of seeing grief only as something to "get over," try listening to it as a wise teacher. What message does your grief want to share with you? What lessons or insights are waiting to be uncovered through your sorrow?